Struggling

Ryan began a home improvement project shortly before Christmas. With the help of a very good friend who is madly skilled at all things car or carpentry related, it was finished in just a matter of days. Ry was at his absolute best during those days. He worked hard all day and slept only at night and was so much like himself...more than he's been since his diagnosis. Such a blessing!!!

They had a goal to have it all complete by New Years Eve, and it was. The final touches arrived during the first few days of the new year, and he was so happy and proud of what they got done--I am too!!! It took it's toll on him, and he spent several days after the project was done just resting. Then several days turned into a week. Then two. Now, almost three. He sleeps day and night. His physical exhaustion quickly slid into depression, and now he's just stuck. I got him into his primary care VA Doctor, and she wants him to see a psychologist, but to say he's unwilling is putting it nicely. He has been on meds to help with this, and she did adjust them again. His blood work was off a few weeks ago so she adjusted his supplements to help with that and indicated it will help with everything else too. So far nothing though. If anything he's been worse the past few days.

In honor of full disclosure--I suck at being a caregiver. I've said it a million times and it's no less true saying it now for the million and first time. I can handle a couple days of his being down. I start to get irritated after several. Then I get worried and send him to the doctor. When he comes home and I know there's no medical reason for his absolute rejection of living his life, then it starts to drive me nutty. Like schizophrenically nutty. He told me last night I'm nothing but mean to him, and honestly I couldn't refute it. I'm not abusively mean, but I am a desperately far cry from nurturing. I know, I suck.

So, here we are, me on the computer in the midst of my ridiculously messy house pretending I don't see the zillion and seven things that I need to do since no one else is going to. Crying because I'm tired too, but it just doesn't matter. Him, in bed, sleeping, oblivious and uncaring of the fact that days and weeks are going by. Time we should be hoarding and melding into brilliant memories...precious moments of LIVING just slipping past him while he snores. When he is awake he wants me to be there with him. To snuggle and cuddle and just love him. He needs me to keep our life running while he takes this break, and not be bitter about it, and not hold it against him, and just be waiting here for him with open arms every time he's ready to pop back in for a little while. In a perfect world I am that wonderful of a wife. In our real world, I'm not even on the same page.

So he's miserable. I'm miserable. The kids are quickly following suite. It doesn't appear that he will get any better without my pulling him through. I don't have the means to do that right now. Life is not all buttercups and sunbeams here at the Vrudney house...I do deeply believe in all the positive and uplifting things I share so often here and on Facebook... but life is still life for us just as it is for anyone else. Sometimes it's ridiculous and frustrating and impossible. And I just thought this morning that it's not really a fair record of our journey if I don't ever say that out loud.