Because I can't live quietly!

Day 4 of hanging with Jorge: Eh.

 I don't feel as mean today, so that has surely got to be progress. Fake sugar is still nasty no matter what form it comes in, but it doesn't cause me to make equally nasty faces anymore. I still want pancakes. I would settle for maple-laced oatmeal. But I can live without either this morning. This afternoon I may be crying at the Walmart bakery as I stand there sniffing sugar in the air like a crack addict. But for this morning my coffee is more black than not, my breakfast is an omelet with bacon, spinach, and tomato, and I am ok with all of it. DEFINITE progress! :)

On a sort-of different note, I was recently asked why I write about "everything". This blog began with Ryan's diagnosis of cancer. Not just cancer, but stage 4 currently un-curable and minimally treatable cancer. In the beginning we were told there is no way to know how long he has before the cancer goes completely uncontrollable. So in the beginning I just needed to keep everyone informed, and it was easier to do this blog than answer the same questions over and over and over again through 76 different phone calls. A little bit down the line I realized this is a record of this chapter of our lives. It's something that will always be here to help guide our memories that otherwise would fade with time. Now, it's still for those reasons, but it's also because I honestly just cannot not express myself.

I talk a lot. My emotions are always, always in hyper-drive. Whatever I am feeling just pours out of me, no matter positive or negative. It used to pour out all over my nearest and dearest. Now it goes here. I can't stop it, and I can't filter it, and I have been that way my entire life. A defect in my make-up maybe. Too much caffeine in my blood quite possibly. Whatever the reason, I have always needed to live out loud. So that's why I write about "everything".

 If it makes any difference though, rest assured that my nearest and dearest still catch the brunt of my intensity--what I write here is usually just the uppermost layer! If this seems like a lot, imagine having to regularly stand next to me when I'm jumping around in excitement like a Price Is Right Lunatic! Or swearing to do horrid awful unspeakable things to the latest horrid awful person whose crime I just read about in the paper. Or when I'm hurt and afraid and drowning in those emotions. I promise you that I don't hesitate to claw and scrape all over those next to me in this life, trying to stay afloat. God has blessed me with amazing people who can handle it---they have like built in super-arm-floaties or something. And He has blessed me with the means to write about it here afterward. It would be a shame to ignore those blessings, you know? :)