I've been meaning to write for days now. I've had several things going through my mind and each one should have been it's own post, but never made it that far. The reasons being: 40, 13, 11, 7, 6, and 4. I'm going to set up my video camera someday when I set down to write. Because I could never convince anyone otherwise of the insanity that overtakes this house the moment I do. This little paragraph for instance? A 60second type out, max. But it's been almost 7 minutes and I've just shouted the end-it-all "GO TO YOUR ROOMS!!!!!!"; taken a long deep breath and tried to say politely "Babe, I just need a few minutes, then we can talk about what you want to do to the back yard, ok?"; AND I've called The Great Hunter Dog off of the chickens, twice, because somehow no one else hears the frantic squawking.
None of this is going to improve today, so the heck with it. Here, in summary, the last 3 1/2 posts I wanted to write:
Easter: Irregardless of what you believe in, the Easter story offers hope to everyone. Hurt, anger, fear, sorrow, darkness, doubt, death....on Friday. Stunned, heartbroken, disillusioned, lost in a world suddenly splintered apart in the space of a few hours....on Saturday. But Sunday was coming. Sunday was always, always coming--even in the deepest darkest moments of Friday and Saturday, nothing could prevent Sunday from coming. Light, love, laughter, relief, awe, inspiration, motivation, peace, hope, victory....on Sunday!!!!!!!! It doesn't matter what belief you base your life around---there is a pattern to the Easter Story that offers hope to every soul on this earth, and I am SO thankful for that!!!
Vrudney life 1 full year post-cancer-diagnosis: It sometimes feels like it's been that long, but mostly it does not. The man I married is not the man who shares my days with me now, and I'm not certain that I will ever know that early version of him again. The same is true of me, too. Becoming who we are now, accepting and evolving into these new people, that's something no one tells you will happen. And once it has? Suddenly your sharing your life with a stranger who looks familiar. There's a re-acquainting that has to happen, a re-connecting, a re-picking if you will. Lets face it, we pick the person we want to spend the rest of our lives with based on a gazillion factors. We pick that one person out of the billions of others walking this earth. When you have both become someone else entirely from who you were when you made that choice, you have to pick again. And to pick the same person again, you have to re-connect the same way you once did. No one talks about that part of it all, but it is quite an integral aspect, for both people in the marriage.
For Ryan and I.... We're growing and we're changing and quite honestly there have been moments for each of us when, if asked right in that moment, we wouldn't have been able to say "I pick you" again. But thankfully, those moments are just that, moments. Ultimately, neither of us has ever been able to see a future that doesn't include the other, and neither of us has ever believed we could move forward in life better on our own. We stand back to back, him and I against whatever comes. And I guess that's the difference between now and a year ago.... a year ago we were strolling side by side, hand in hand through our days. Now we stand back to back, always circling, always ready for the fight that will come. Its a different life, we are different people, and it's a difficult process. But there is no one else in this world either of would trust enough to stand back to back with.
Nightmares: I've been having the same dang one for a year now: We are always living somewhere else--with Ryan's parents or mine, or in an apartment somewhere. I hate living there, and I want desperately to move back into our house, but there is always a reason why we can't. Something happened that made us have to move out, and Ryan hasn't fixed it yet so we're stuck where we are and all I want is to go back home. No need for a psych degree to interpret that one. I just wish it would stop. And I imagine it will when I've completely accepted the change in our lives and let go of what used to be. Certainly if there is a faster route to ridding myself of that particular nightmare, do share, because I hate it.
Spring: FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!
Happy Easter guys----eat too much chocolate and color a few eggs and just marvel in the fact that Sunday came when you wake up.
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