Upheld

Whew! Where to begin....yesterday was miraculous, from start to finish, pure and simple! And I have thought all night about how to share it--I can't wait to share it and have barely slept and now that I think I'm ready to sit and write, everyone in the house suddenly needs me. Thing is, unless I say what's on my mind as soon as it gets there, I will forget just as quickly as I thought of it. That's why I interrupt so much! So I'm going to work on getting this day of miracles recorded in between breaking up kid-arguments and cleaning up messes and chasing chickens out of the kitchen (whole other story there) and putting away last months laundry, etc etc etc. It's probably going to come out half sense-less and leave you wondering if I've had a little too much coffee on a little too-little sleep. But I think that's what miracles are, honestly: events that you can't quite wrap your head around in the midst of the normal chaos of your day to day. Those are my miracles anyway. Life is running full speed and a miracle slips into a moment and changes everything inside of me but life hasn't stood still or even slowed down like it seems it should.

All this stuff going on in our world right now...our tiny little Vrudney world I mean, not to be confused with the really big stuff going on in the really big world that I get ulcers pondering... it all takes it's toll. My oldest says way to often "Why Mom? Why is everything so different now? Nothings like it used to be and nothings ever gonna be the same." with a shaking of his head that declares a sad sort of defeat that is way way too old for his 13 years. The girls want a really good understandable reason why Daddy is "always sleepin' and always grumpy?". Isaac....blissfully 3 years old and certain the only awful unthinkable thing that could ever happen would be bedtime coming around and not being able to find his lovey----he is the only one totally still in the zone of our previous normal, thank God alone for that!!!

Ryan is still working at finding his place again. He is just now coming out of an insanely deep depression that has bitten us all this past week. I have zero idea how to help him find himself. I feel like I'm holding him up but only off the bottom--his head is still under water and I'm not managing to lift him any higher. Figuring out the day to day for the house and our family, keeping time and energy open for so many others in our lives who mean so so much to me, making what we have work for what we need without allowing it to be obvious how much we don't have... I've recently reached the point of understanding just how deeply I am failing at all of this. I want to be stellar at every role I am in, but in reality I'm falling short all over the place. And I've grown so so tired. Tired of the unknowns and the fear that eats me, tired of the wait and see and the what ifs and the unbearable probabilities laying ahead of us. Exhausted from pouring everything I have inside of me into every single day and still coming up so short at the end... I'm just worn through being the only one taking care of everything and everyone. It's an ugly thing, I know. It's selfish. But it's where I stood. Until yesterday, when, for an entire day and through so many different sources, I was not the caretaker, but rather the one being taken care of. I went to bed last night feeling positively heard, loved, and upheld by God. And that has changed absolutely everything this morning!!! :)))