Salute to the mortgage company, for extreme suckiness...

This is more a rant than any type of informative sharing, and chances are awesome that I will regret posting this within a few minutes of doing so. Within an hour, tops. But at the moment I feel utterly tread upon and helpless to fight back and in general just ticked off... so in lieu of taking that out on a hapless customer service agent, I'm blogging it here. Maybe someone will take note and "buyer beware" when they are looking for a mortgage company in the future.

First, to protect myself from accusations of slander, the simple facts are that we have a mortgage with Wells Fargo. (Scammers, phishers, identity thieves, whomever: that's all the info your getting, so don't bother.) Additionally, situation being what it's become for us financially speaking, we have sought help from this company regarding our mortgage payment. They have what they call "home preservation specialists". An entire unit within the company apparently dedicated to helping folks like us when things topple downhill in life. I've spoken with them 3 times now, over the past 3 months, and according to those powers that be we do not qualify for a mortgage modification. Those are the facts.

It's the details behind the facts that have pushed me into blogosphere cat-fighting. I don't expect my fingers flying over the keyboard to really hurt Wells Fargo at all...I know I'm not all that tough. But I am ticked off, and even an ill fated jab will make me feel better right now. So here it is: mortgage modification is like an inside joke. They offer it, they call you on the phone when your a few days late and offer to help you catch up with it, they fake-sympathize with your situation during the application process, and after 30 minutes of baring your financial soul they say "Nope, sorry, you don't have enough money coming in. You can't afford your house no matter what we do, so consider liquidation options or find a way to decrease debt/increase income. Thanks and have a nice day."

Well I'll be a spider monkey caught in a banana tree... I can't afford it you say?! NO SHEETS!!!! That's why I'm wasting an irreplaceable part of my life sharing my most intimate finances with you, you idiotic bleepity bleep bleep!!!! BLEEP!!!!!

Deep breath. Fast forward 3 weeks, same call, lady swears I've never even applied for the modification and insists that I absolutely must. I'll admit I got a little excited this time, she seemed pretty darn certain this would be a go for us! See above....same conversation, same waste of breath and time, same bleep.

Today, having reconciled every financial anything that we could--dropped this and decreased that and forbearance on this and deferment on that and now I'm working for a few extra peanuts on the dinner plate each month... I did everything they said: decreased our debt and increased our income as best I possibly could. Called them up and guess what? Like magic, all of a sudden now they say "Nope, sorry, you have too much income and should be able to afford your house no matter what we do. Thanks, and have a nice day."

Well I'll be a grasshopper dining at the ant farm... I have plenty of money you say?! You idiotic bleepity bleep bleep bleep!!!!!

Its ok. We've got this. We'll work it out and it's all going to be just fine. We're not in any immediate danger of losing our house nor do I expect us to get to that point. It just amazes me, the sheer lack of sense to this whole crap-shoot of financial assistance... how in heaven's name do people actually rely on this kind of stuff? I've got 6 new ulcers just from this one venture into it!!!

Wells Fargo, my personal feelings toward you right now are that you suck. And while you probably don't care or even know how very high I rate your overall suckiness, someday I will find someone bigger and better and I will refinance the bleep out of this mortgage. Take THAT and modify it!