Wanted to update this morning before we head off into the great unknown. I'm crazy though. Totaly off the deep end loony, and couldn't formulate a good post even if money were on the line. I'll just sum up instead:

 Payten and Isaac are overjoyed to be heading out to spend the night with Aunt Jamie and Uncle Brad and cousins--so no muss no fuss no tears, that drop off should be pretty easy. For them.

Brycen, Jaeden, and Nichole are all in varied stages of anxiety about us leaving. Nic and Jaeden have already cried thier hearts out. Brycen has asked a zillion questions trying to be sure he knows what's coming. That drop off is going to be overwhelming, for all of us. Heather my dear, I know you can handle it--and I can't ever thank you enough for all that you have done and continue to do for us!!!!

I am finishing packing my stuff right now, trying to straighten the house, working on the last of the paperwork that we need to have with us. I feel sick to my stomach. I'm not ready for this. I am, I'm ready to move forward and know what we're heading into. I'm not, because I don't know what is coming. Because I want so many things for the kids, for Ryan, for us as a family and I know this time tomorrow I'll be in another state away from my kids listening to someone tell me stuff I don't want to know about Ryan. If I could do anything... wake up like it's all been a bad dream... face the fear and watch it melt like they do in the movies... if I could choose anything to make this go away then I'd rather be doing that than getting ready to leave tonight. This cancer, and everything it brings with it...I don't choose that. If a higher power is listening...I'm sure that You are...please just really understand that I don't choose this.

Ryan is off in his own head somewhere. He won't pack till about 20mins before we leave because thats really all the time and effort it takes him. He is such a laid back person, but his nerves are as jangled as mine this morning. He's made a few comments here and there about us leaving. He asked me if I was ready and I said no. He said "I'm not either." and that is a HUGE admission of worry and stress for him, because he is always ready for everything!!!! He said he feels sick to his stomach too. Good grief what a pair we are!!!!

Thats it, that's all I've got. Gotta fly to finish up as much as I can. Please keep us in your prayers. It means so SO much! And I promise I try to reciprocate, I really really do!!!!!!