Scattered Thoughts

I've been trying to update this blog all day. I honestly can't think anything through enough to put it out here as anything that makes sense. I'm exhausted. I have never been so tired in my life. It's just too many thoughts and too much emotion and too much change and too much rockin' of my world...I can't catch my breath.

I would give so much to be past this. I've been telling a dear friend going through a difficult time in her life the last few months "you just have to get through it. Just get through it and get to the other side and know it's going to be ok." Barf, seriously. Cliche and vomit inducing. Period. You can't know it's going to be ok. You can't just get through it. It's not just a difficult time to the one who is in the middle of it. It's ground zero. It's a bomb dropping so fast and so hard that you don't even have time to understand what your ducking from. You just cover your head and hold on and pray that you make it. This has been the longest 2 weeks of my life, and the barest thought of whats to come makes me want to cry.

That's just me. I have little idea what Ryan is going through right now. He is still processing, still pondering, still trying to figure out how to be himself when everything is suddenly so far out of his control. I want to help him, but I can't work this out for him. I need to be there to hold him, but he dislikes leaning on anyone. He is strong and brilliant and generous and skilled and kind and loving and he gives all of that, all of him, out to the world every single day. He has created our home and our family and our life with all of those parts of him. He needs to be able to continue doing that. He needs to be able to keep living his life and being himself. He is lost right now with the limitations he's under and the uncertainties of his future and I hate that. I hate that for him.

Somehow, someway, all of our children are completely oblivious. They know age appropriately for each of them what is going on, but we have kept it pretty low key. No gloom and doom, nothing to be afraid of, etc. We answer the questions they have when they do, and we're getting them all psyched up to go on "vacation" in a few weeks. I haven't read a book or looked online for the best way to handle this type of thing with children, so I can't say if we're doing ok or not. But looking at them and seeing that life is still utterly normal takes a weight off of me. They're not going through anything...and that's fine by us.