Last week it popped up again. Just a quick little "Hey there Jaime, I'm still here and you can't do crap about it." And I am furious. About a zillion things. I am devastated, about a zillion more. I am not capable right now of thinking happy thoughts or finding the positive or offering encouragement. I can fake it for the sake of the ones who need it most from me. But if you truly know me, if you truly love me...I am utterly defeated and hopeless and broken right now and I can't do or be anything for anyone else.
A very large tumor was seen on xray last week in my Dad's right lung. More testing to come, but not as easy as with Ryan, because my Dad is stubborn. And cantankerous. And dismayingly unwell...
Everything else about this is a very long story, and not pertinent to the moment. I am not my Daddy's caregiver--my step-mom and sister, two indescribably strong and loving women, are. I have another sister who will soon become part of that team, and she is equally as amazing as they are. He could not be in better hands. I will be doing anything and everything that I possibly can for all of them...but this is definitely a different dance with cancer for me. Most of it will not be my story to tell. But insofar as it is part of my day to day, that I will write down...like everything else...just so it's there. Here. Not forgotten. Maybe something to learn from. Maybe because I just can't seem to shut the hell up, I don't know.
Yesterday I hugged him hello. He is literally 1/2 the physical person he used to be. He can't see, so he said "It's good to hear your voice Jaime!" And when I hugged him, carefully because he looked so achingly frail....he said "I thought you'd put some weight on? Pretty sure I felt a bone or two just now, you ain't gained a pound!" :') He IS stubborn...AND cantankerous...AND dismayingly unwell... But he is still my same old Dad, you know?
No comments:
Post a Comment