Like every other soul in the world, I do a lot of duties on a lot of different fronts. The only one I will ever claim that I'm an expert on is living my own life. Every other role I'm in at any time is a learning experience for all involved. I need to have that out there in the cosmos--I understand that I'm not an expert and not doing a stellar job all the time at every role I live in. Despite this blog and my non-stop talking and my eagerness to share information that I've gathered, I have never thought of myself as knowing it all or doing it all right. Living my life--I've got that, and no one else will ever do that better than me, period. Everything else that I am and that I do, I can only say I do my absolute best most of the time. I dream dreams and make plans and I am always trying to motivate myself to do better for the ones I'm doing for. I share all of that even when it doesn't come to fruition because it's just part of the journey. Sometimes life flows as planned, and very very often it doesn't. Sometimes it doesn't because of my own failings--lack of time or money or energy or mood. I can accept those times for what they are and move forward--it doesn't mean I am saying one thing but doing another. It means I want to give the best of myself to every role I live, and sometimes I just can't do it for all of them at the same time. If that's not just plain being human, it is at least just plain being me, and honestly, I am ok with that.
We have been blessed with so much love and support since this cancer journey began, and I will never in my lifetime be able to express how much this means to me, to us. We take every opportunity to pay that forward--so that the love being extended to us doesn't stop there, but makes its way through our family and on out into the world to others who need to feel it. I really hope I am able to share that--to show our supporters what a difference they have made to us, and through us. Love can reach so much farther than you can see when first you hand it out, it's astounding really to try to watch it's flow!
The flip side of all that love and support is the guidance that naturally comes with it. The "maybe you should's" and "don't do that's" and "you need to's". I understand where all that guidance comes from, I understand the overall care and concern that it is born of. I appreciate that love, but I have to say it wears me down at times. We are all doing our best in a life that overnight flipped over like a kayak in the rapids. We've yet to come back upright and stay that way...we get a breath of air and then we're under again. I don't know when that is going to stop, and I don't know where we will be when it does. And everyone watching from the shore who keeps calling out telling us what we ought to be doing, as much as I appreciate the concern they have for us, I don't have time to do anything but make sure everyone in my family gets a good deep breath before the next flip comes. I don't have time to explain why or argue my point of view or convince anyone that I'm handling it. I know others would do things differently, and I can appreciate the strength that goes into taking care of your life and your loves to the best of your know how and ability. I need that same appreciation and acceptance. If you want to dive in and climb aboard our kayak and live this with us day in and day out, then I would be grateful beyond words for your insight and advice because I am learning and doing this on the fly. But when you just peek in now and then to check on us, that's not a good vantage point from which to try to guide us. A hug, a word of encouragement, a prayer, a meal, a dandelion that can sit on the counter like a tiny burst of sunlight------that is stuff that soothes the soul and cushions the heart and gives strength for tomorrow. That is all that we need. The actual living through this cancer crap, we are doing ok with and will continue to figure out as we go along. If you know us, if you love us, then trust that. <3
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