Soul-Nakey

It's been over 4 months since Ryan went into the hospital. It's been 4 months and 6 days since the surgeon sat across the room from us and said "cancer". It's been insanity... both good and bad, but insanity no matter which kind. And I am starting to see how much we've lost of ourselves to this madness. I knew...as I was trying not to vomit all over the chapel at the hospital that day, I knew our lives would never ever be the same. I didn't understand how much we would change though. I figured we would just carry on...find a way to deal...to live life around the (stupid) cancer. It hasn't quite worked out that way.

Ryan changed while he was in the hospital. It's like they cut out a large part of his essence when they cut out the tumor. He came home less him... a shadow trying to walk as solidly in the world as his capable body used to. He has grown stronger and more confident since then, but he is not the same man who left this house that awful morning with a belly ache.

I have changed too. I am a melting pot of moods and mind sets. I'm up and down, ticked off and joyful, running to hide and swinging away. All at once, all the time. Ryan can't make heads or tails of me these past few months. Heck, I can't keep up with myself. I'm just lost, wandering around trying to find a place to settle again.

This is part of the not-so-pretty-side of the process. The stripping down of our previous selves. Shedding the ideas and expectations and abilities and dreams we used to carry. Right now, 4 months into it, we're both standing soul-nakey, trying to understand who we are ourselves, and how we fit with the other in this new form. It's wearing us both down. It will be ok...it's just a very odd thing, living the "for better or worse, in sickness or in health" part of marriage.