Acquiescence

It was pointed out to me yesterday how much of a nag and in general overbearing person I've become toward my Love. Not in quite those terms and definitely said with the utmost kindness of heart, but that is what I took away from the conversation. And honestly, it was something I needed to hear.

The thing is, I've kinda sucked at this whole caregiver role thus far. I just don't know how to do it. I haven't found my footing yet. It kind of reminds me of when I became a Momma for the first time. Suddenly I just was not who I had always been, but I had no idea how to be the person I was supposed to. I grew into it in time, and I know I will this, too. But it never hurt for someone to gently point out that I was kind of sucking at it...it made me buck up and try harder. So too, now, with this new role.

The bare bones of our point of views right now are this: Ryan is pure logic. (Always has been, dang his manly mind!) He looks at the (stupid) cancer as just a boulder in his life's path. He's still got the same things to do and the same places to go as he always has, but now he has to push this bolder along with each step. It is what it is and he does what is needed to deal with it.  His exact words were: "Babe, if I'm going to just lay down and live like I've got cancer, then I might as well just lay down and die right now."

I, on the complete opposite end of that spectrum, am pure emotion. I look at the (stupid) cancer as the bomb that blew up his life's path and left us standing on the edge of the end of the world. Nothing ahead to see or do and certainly nowhere to go!!! Just us, standing shoulder to shoulder so as to shield the kids behind us from the nothingness we see ahead. Just us, carefully standing...can't move too much or breath too hard because our toes are already hanging over the edge and we can fall at any moment.

See the difference there? Now honestly, how in the world do you reach a middle ground from that?!  We haven't. He keeps trying to step forward and I keep strong-arming him back. Which isn't working out well for either of us.

It was explained to me yesterday that maybe I need to just let him be. Let him do what he does and be who he is and live as he wants without trying to micro-manage his every second. This is completely counter-intuitive to me!!! Obviously he needs me to orchestrate every moment of the rest of his life!!! RIGHT?! Right? ........sigh........ Right......he needs that like he needs a rock in his shoe....

He's a smart guy. He's crazy strong in so many ways. It's not like he's not going to make the most of his life, give it every effort at longevity that he possibly can. But that longevity means nothing to him if there is no quality. And I get that. From my point of view I don't---for me and for the kids I just want years and years of him sitting safely on the couch beside me, playing board games and sipping on iced tea. From his point of view I can clearly see that he would die of shear boredom alone, living like that!

So here's to compromise I guess! Or acquiescence. Mostly to living well, whatever that means to you in your heart.