Storms

I couldn't sleep tonight. Woke up around 1:20am and have been pondering the meaning of life most of the night now. Plus eating pizza. And a few cookies with some milk. And poking around on facebook, and designing a tee shirt that a wonderfully dear friend has gifted to me... So ok, let me just go with I've been up all through the wee hours of the night and I've been caught up in a whole lot of thinking. Fair enough.

What I thought that has stuck in my mind even through reading everyone's status updates is that storms aren't automaticaly a bad thing. Like last night--we had a thunder storm, which I hate. I hate the lightening, and the thunder, and the intense downpour of rain that usually comes with it. I hate the dark skies and the lack of sunshine. But, last night was different. It's been wicked hot for the last few days, with more to come according to the trusty 5-day forecast. So last night when the clouds started rolling in and the sun faded out, it was nice to get out from under that extra heat. Then the rain came, and it wasn't really all that much, nothing like I know others got all around our area. But with it came a coolness outside we haven't felt in days, day or night. This morning feels awesome--even in the dark! :)

So during my wee-hour me-time today, I thought about how much I hate cloudy weather and storms. But last night, when I focused on the relief it brought, I didn't hate it. I didn't love it, but it was beneficial...what it brought into our lives last night was exactly what our entire sweaty grumpy family needed. What we needed most, came to us through a storm. Right as we were all melting into the floor and screaming at one another to stop breathing so loud and hogging all the air from the fan. It wasn't a winning lottery ticket used to purchase air conditioning for the house-- which I see as a purely positive means of acquiring the heat relief we needed. It came through a thunderstorm...something I dread and hate and fear.

Then somewhere in my random train of thought I remembered and episode of Man Vs Wild where Bear Grills was trying to get off a desserted island and he needed high strong waves to push him out past the incoming current. I don't remember the logistics of it, but something about the waves close to the island more or less held the raft thingie he built in place...he needed a big surge of waves rolling back out to push him past that point and out into the ocean to sail away from the island. Float away. Whatever. Point being, I remembered that show, and the need for big waves, and then I thought big waves come with storms, and so AH HA!!! There's another time when exactly what is needed comes through a storm. I said it was a random train of thought... bear with me.

So two examples now where storms bring what is needed. And I could even go so far as to say the worse the storm, the more good it can provide. Right? I mean, a 30-degree temp drop or a hand made life raft floating out to sea aren't really possible with just a few drops of rain and then a rainbow. Not that lite rain and rainbows don't have their place...but it's the storms that give you what you need sometimes. It's the storms that make the changes possible.

This cancer, everything about it...it's felt like a tsunami ripped apart our lives when we blinked. We are all trying to be ok with it, to accept life as it is and just deal. But there is a part of me, a bitter bad-mouthed part of me that has been enraged this whole time. How could this happen?! Why did it happen?! Not only does it feel completely unfair, but everything about it sucks. I said just yesterday to another dear friend that I don't want this life. She said she understood, because she wouldn't want it either. The thing is, this is our life now, cancer and all that comes with it, for better or worse. So unless I'm going to allow myself to turn into a hate filled, bitter, swearing mess, I had better find something positive to hold on to. Fast.

Train of thought again... this is a storm. What has happened, what it's doing to Ryan, what it's changing in me, the marks it's leaving on the kids...this is a storm. A flippin' huge one---look to the tsunami reference above. But if that is true, then everything else I thought tonight about storms is also true. It's definately not the easiest or most pleasant way to get exactly what we need. And frankly I thought we were getting along just fine before, I don't see that we needed anything. But maybe we did. Maybe this isn't so much about the storm itself or how it feels pounding down on us, but more about what it is bringing. More about the changes it is making possible. It makes a bit of sense when I look at it this way, sort of. It also reinforces my belief that there is more to this part of our lives than just our suffering. And I knew, somewhere inside I just knew that God was here, in the thick of things with us. There could be no sense of direction or reason why or hope for good in the future, if He wasn't. He just sometimes has to come through a storm.