Fear Has Very Sharp Teeth

I am not remotely too proud to admit that I am a chicken at heart. Always have been. Spiders, snakes, small fuzzy anythings that run really fast where I'm not expecting them to be.... heights, big fish, power outages, potentialy hungry bears who run faster than me , psychopaths, friends of psychopaths, drugged people who turn into psychopaths...heartache, loss, that feeling that absolutely nothing in life is normal anymore and never will be again. I could go on, but I'll leave it at the bare bones for now since the point isn't what I fear, but just that I do. And that fear, left unchecked, could literally eat me alive.

"Fight or flight" has never been an issue for me. Not even an instinct, and I don't care what science says. For me, running is the only option. It's been ingrained in my dna since the moment I was born into the screaming world of my parents. It was a guard that I held tightly to all through my childhood: shifting moods and uncertain tides never had the chance to fully take hold of the environment around me before I ran for cover. It was self protection, self preservation---the only weapon I had to hold against fear in the many forms it's held for me.

Then Ryan fell in love with me. This seemingly fearless man, so sure of himself and his place in the world and his ability to make his biggest dreams into reality. He had, and still to this day has the demeanor and strength of the USMC Sergant that he was when I first fell in love with him. Everything about him when he permenantly joined my life was such a stark contrast to my personality. He was, and still is, everything I've ever wanted to be. I have yet to become as much like him as I aspire too, but the chicken in me grew a lot less prominent with my strong, brave, capeable husband by my side! :)

Now enters cancer. Which totaly sucks, in case I haven't said. And I'm thinking I must have, a lot here lately. Because Isaac, in all his 3 year old seriousness said to me a few days ago: "Momma...my weft my gum in da car. DAT sucks!" :D  Not my finest parenting moment, but the absolute discouragement on his face I could totaly empathize with! Being without something you love, and knowing you have no personal ability to do anything about it, does suck. And for me, that suckiness is reawakening the chicken in me.

Spiders aren't so bad--I can squish them pretty quick now and I only freak if they move a lot. Small furry things and snakes I can run from or throw rocks at, I don't like fishing anyway, and I just avoid all forms of dark water and possible psychopaths entirely. All my general fears I think I can finally handle, one way or another. But the really big fears are the ones that are biting in now, and shaking them off is something I am desperate to do but really struggling with. Everything I am today, I am because I share this life and this family with Ryan. The coldest hardest fact is that in time I won't anymore. I don't know who I will be when we close this chapter of our lives... I don't know how long this chapter is, I don't know how much of it he will be able to actively participate in and enjoy... and that is kind of the root of every fear of mine--the unknown. I'm not good at day-to-day. I am horrible at staying put and dealing. The chicken in my heart keeps flapping wings and trying to run but there is nowhere I can run to because running away from this chapter takes me away from Ryan.

I've never in my entire life wanted so very much to pull the covers over my head and give up. And I have never in my entire life been so very determined to be the best I can possibly pull out of myself, because that is the only way I can be everything Ryan and our family needs. This is hard. For me. On the kids. For and on Ryan. And it sucks. I'm saving for a tee-shirt that says that---big bold letters right across the front it says: "CANCER SUCKS"! Awesome, right?! :) And maybe I should stop saying it so much. Especially with my short little parrot walking along in my footsteps. But Ryan isn't able to stand guard between me and my fears the way he used to anymore. So I do it this way...sort of like standing up to the boogyman in your childhood closet and shouting "YOU AREN'T REAL!!!" Except I'm facing all my real-life fears as well as the new ones that are trying to tear my sanity apart...and because they are real, I'm shouting "YOU SUCK!!!" instead! :))