Side Effects

Feels like I should just clarify quickly that I still hate post titles. I noticed that the links don't post right though unless there is a title, so that's why I started doing the silly things again. Just fyi! :)

Ryan started experiencing some of the side effects of his chemotherapy a few days ago, and they are getting a little harder on him each day. I spoke with his oncologist nurse yesterday and got information on treating the symptoms, and my sister-in-law tracked down some more information for me. I'm going to go out today and pick up some of the things recommended, and I'm praying they will help.

He said this morning he is sick to death of all of it already--the handfuls of pills and the side effects and my "insistence on putting that powder crap" into everything he eats. He's not eating much though, and I can't do anything BUT try to cram all the supplements into the few bites he forces down. This part is hard. He is so resigned to just dealing with whatever he feels. He doesn't complain, he just matter-of-factly tells me whats going on and then goes about whatever business he's doing, pausing just long enough to accommodate the symptoms when they overtake him.

I can't say how amazing he is. I can't tell anyone how strong and brave and absolutely incredible he is. He tells me I'm being ridiculous when I tell him those things. But if you could see him...if you could just know him, you would understand. And you would understand how hard it is to watch him hold himself up under the weight of this new way of life...

There's a lot going on right now with all of us: the kids are getting ready to finish the school year and begin Summer break; Ryan is trying to find a way to go back to work; I know I have to go back to school because the ugliest truth to all of this is that in time I am going to need to be able to support our children. If I can do it sooner rather than later, then my hope is that I can also support Ryan for a good long time--allow him to retire and just enjoy his life. Talking to my step mom today I said I just don't know what to go to school for. She said it's like I'm back to that childhood question: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I have no idea. All I know for absolute certain is that Ryan is everything I want to be...I admire and respect him like no one else in my life, ever. Whatever comes out of all of this, whoever we all are when we close this chapter in our lives--my most heartfelt prayer is that our children, and I, will grow up to be just like him.