Pausing Treatment

Side effects....blah. They suck in and of themselves, but now have also led to Ryan losing 6 pounds since they began. He has no appetite and is just slowing down as a whole. He did little more than rest all day yesterday, and so far today is the same...just seems to have no energy for anything. That I think frustrates him more than anything else. The pains, the bodily effects from the chemotherapy, even the lack of interest in food are all things he can deal with. But the exhaustion drives him insane. He has never been able to stand just being still. He always has a list 4 miles long of things to do and he keeps moving until his list is done. Right now he physically can't make himself do it, and that limitation alone is making him irritable and frustrated and leaving him feeling pretty defeated the last few days.

I spoke with his oncology nurse on Thursday about all of it, and she spoke with his oncologist and gave us a temporary new plan to follow. Friday--Tuesday he is off the chemotherapy completely. She is hoping the break will allow his body to recuperate from the side effects, and stop the weight loss.  He will resume the chemo on Wednesday and we have to just wait again and see how he responds to it this time. If the same problems recur then she plans to take him off of it again, and at the third attempt of use she will try lowering his dosage. If his body can adjust to and accept a lesser amount of chemo, then in time Dr. Neelam expects to be able to raise the dose back to where it needs to be to block the cancers growth.

This is all so unfair, and I swear I could just go insane from understanding that. I am trying to get past this...whatever it is I'm feeling...frustration, anger, disbelief...whatever. I am growing very very quickly sick of my own whining, and I want to just shake myself by the shoulders. I just don't know yet how to move forward. There is a very fine line between adapting, and becoming bitter. I can see right now little glimpses of who I will become if I forge ahead on the wrong side of that line, and I don't like that person at all. I just haven't been able to find my balance yet. Most days I'm still feeling like someone sucker-punched me, hard. Ryan meanwhile just keeps saying "Life isn't fair Babe." Whatever. I don't care... it sucks. Period.  Apparently that's my new current motto.