Answered Prayers

Obviously I've been having a hard time lately. Yesterday morning I kind of bottomed out. I've been running the marathon of emotions that keep piling up and I'd just had enough. I prayed, sort of. Mostly, honestly, I just yelled at God. I threw question after question at him like I was hurtling stones. When all was said and done I had cried myself into a headache and wasted precious kid-free time that could have been brilliantly used accomplishing anything other than crying myself into a headache and yelling at the Almighty. But for me, there is a peace that always comes when I've reached rock bottom like that. Like I know at that point there is just absolutely nothing left for me to do about whatever it is that is eating me up inside. My mind is able to stop trying to work it all out and my heart stops aching so fiercely and I can just pick myself up and move on from it, even without any answers or resolution.

The thing is, and I know how crazy this is going to sound, it is in those moments when God speaks with complete clarity to me. Yesterday, He did so in an unexpected package from CTCA:

I had no idea what CTCA would be sending to us, let alone addressed to me rather than Ryan.
To fully share the impact opening this box had on me, I have to tell you a little bit about my ranting and yelling prayers that morning, and show you through each item how I was given an answer.

The bag was folded around everything else with the Cancer Fighters logo facing out, so that is what I saw as I first pulled everything from the box. The shirt was folded with the logo facing out also, and as I opened the bag from around everything that was the next thing I saw, the shirt saying "Cancer Fighters".  Now, to most this is no big thing--it's a wonderful group within CTCA that helps spread awareness and empower survivors and their family and friends to do the same. I am SO thankful for their thoughtful gift to me!!! But there was a hugely deeper meaning to this for me, based on the prayer/raging I had thrown out that morning. Think of it like a conversation, between me and God, if you will:

Me: "Who in the world am I supposed to be now?! What is going to be left  of us when this is done, who are we going to BE?!"

God: (Via first thing out of the package, the bag) "Cancer Fighters."

It took me a second to make the connection but when I did I thought "Noooo WAY! You can't be serious! I'm screaming at You and I'm SO mad and so You answer THAT prayer?! In WRITING?!?!"
Just to be very sure I was listening I think, the tee-shirt was laying in my lap saying AGAIN: "Cancer Fighters."

I read that for the second time and I said right then: "Ok. So maybe I'm supposed to be a 'cancer fighter' somehow. Maybe that's what's coming out of all of this, who we'll be when it's all said and done. But what the heck am I supposed to do?! What does a 'cancer figher' even DO?!"

This is the card sent with the package.

Now if your not thinking "Really?!" at this point, then you don't react the way I do. I just couldn't believe it was legitimately God speaking to tiny-little-speck-of-dust-lowly-me. But, in the midst of my earlier rant-disguised-as-prayer, I had questioned again, vehemently, if we had made the right choice going to CTCA. The back of this shirt:

I had questioned God about my pushiness with Ryan's care team, my thus-far constant phone calls and re-iteration of his symptoms and asking what to do and suggesting my own ideas from my own research. I have never in my entire life been an expert on anything. Dr. Neelam is. Ryan's care team is. And I wondered if I was being respectful enough of their expertise, if I was pushing too hard about everything to do with him when really, they are the ones in charge here, not me. Look at the middle article listed on this magazine:

It reads: "It Takes TWO ~ Doctors and patients must work together for optimal treatment."

I had just yesterday morning blogged here, and prayed in tears about not being able to figure out how to move forward. Bottom article on the magazine cover: "Moving Forward in Mind and Body".

I ended my emotional outburst at God yesterday by apologizing and asking to please just be able to have a productive rest of the day--I needed to get laundry done, get the house cleaned up, and have time to research the stuff I need to know about Ryan's new diet plan. I've been asking people for the past few days about this whole Organic issue. It's hardly affordable, doctor ordered or not. So I figure there has to be a way around the cost somehow--some foods have to be ok to buy just normal at the cheaper price. Top article on the magazine cover: "Going Organic ~ Learn to discern when organic matters."

I do totally understand that most people will think I am losing my mind, believing all this that I just shared. To those people I say: your a little slow on the uptake, I actually lost my mind about 3 kids, 2 dogs, and 1 house ago.

For everyone who believes, as I do, that God still speaks, and sometimes very very clearly--I hope this experience gives you the warm fuzzies it gave me!

And for those who know and love me--thank you for just agreeing that's its the most wonderful thing to happen on a hot, sweaty, falling-apart-at-the-seams-afternoon!

PS: Totaly forgot to say, green is my FAVORITE color!!! Just an extra little "Because I love you so much!" from God, you know?! :)) :)) :))