The Beginning

Pretty much everyone in our lives knows at this point that my husband, Ryan, was diagnosed with Cancer recently. We are still trying to wrap our heads around it, to come to some sort of understanding of the way our lives have suddenly changed. I want to keep track of this chapter in our lives as we're living it because I'm afraid that there will be moments I will forget. Priceless moments of love and laughter that might be lost in the midst of tears and anger. And I want to share it with you because so many of you have rallied to support us and our family during this insane time.

Late Saturday afternoon, the day before Easter, Ryan's stomach started hurting. He had worked all night the night before and had stayed up all day building a brooder box for the chicks he brought home that day. He's big on bringing home animals with nowhere in particular to house them other than the idea flitting around in his head! :)

He went to bed early that night, and woke up around 5:30 Easter morning still in pain, but it was more localized to his lower right side by then. Worried about Appendicitis, we agreed he needed to go to the ER. We did not agree that he should drive himself,  but none of the kids were awake yet and he insisted they needed to be able to wake up and hunt for their baskets and eggs and just enjoy Easter morning. He left our house around 7, but not before hiding MY basket which took over 2 days and a HUGE lead from him for me to find!

He called at 9:30 to say the doctor had said it was Appendicitis and he would be going in for surgery in an hour. We had family coming in the afternoon for dinner, and I wanted to call and cancel and go straight to him, but he again insisted that I stay home with the kids and keep the day as normal as possible for them. He said there was no sense in bringing them to the hospital to sit in a waiting room and then watch him sleep all day--he'd rather that we have dinner as planned and come see him afterward.

No part of me was ok with that. I needed to be there with him when he went in and I needed to be there when he woke up afterward. The thing about having children though is that once you do, nothing in your life is about what's easiest for you anymore. It's all about the kids, and what was best for them was as normal an Easter day as possible. So I finished getting the house ready, got the kids ready, and my sister-in-law came early to help out. I began getting ready myself, and that is when the surgeon called.

 Most of what I remember from the phone call is based on the notes I took while talking with him. He explained that he initially went in laproscopicaly to remove Ryan's appendix but found that his abdomen was filled with blood. He discontinued the laproscopy at that point and instead went directly in through an 8inch incision up the center of Ryan's belly. That is when he found a large tumor, the size of his fist he said, and it was implanted in the fat pad of the abdomen with some implants along the abdominal wall. He removed the tumor and the fat pad in their entirety, as well as the appendix which he said appeared to be heading toward needing to come out anyway. He was not able to remove the implants along the abdominal wall. He was very honest in saying that he had no idea what the tumor was. He had an idea what it could be, but it was a very rare condition and he had only previously seen 2 cases of it. Basically the surgery went well, and everything else would have to wait for testing to be done.

Hysteria wasn't far off for me when I hung up the phone, but through the amazing support of Ryan's family here at the house at the time I was able to keep that from the kids. When we left to go to the hospital they had no idea anything was really wrong, they just knew Daddy'd had his appendix out and he was going to have to stay at the hospital for a little while. They stayed at home with the family who could provide the most fun to all the kids that afternoon, and the rest of us went to the hospital.

 I very briefly felt the heaviest guilt I have ever carried in my life for not having been there with Ryan through all of this. But later that night when I was tucking everyone in for bed, they all said what a great day it had been, how much fun they had. That was what Ryan and I both had wanted for them and agreed I would try to provide when he left that morning... despite what he had gone through and how desperately I wished I could have held his hand the whole way, the day still ended up being wonderful for the kids, and I couldn't possibly have hoped for more out of that day.

Ryan was sleeping when we got there Sunday afternoon, poor guy was hooked up to tubes coming from every which where. He woke up when he heard us and you wouldn't have known what he'd just been through except for the obvious pain he was in. The next few hours were so full of love and laughter in that room I can't even explain it. He was so sleepy and on so much pain medication, he was honestly hysterical! At one point the nurse was talking to another nurse coming on shift about his catheter. He overheard and calls out "What?! What are you talking about?! I don't want one of those!!! I'm not getting one of those!!!" The nurse said "No honey, you already have one, from surgery." Ryan gets this incredulous look on his face and flips his blanket up to look down. He shakes his head and flings the blanket back down and says "That ain't right! Not right at ALL!!!" :D :D :D  

At some point it became clear he was completely unaware of the tumor. He was still under the impression he had just had his appendix out and would be going home the next day. We waited for the doctor, hoping he would come in again while we were there and explain everything to him. When he did not, I told Ryan about the tumor. His response: "Huh. Well THAT's great." Nothing else....no reaction other than that mild sarcasm. THEN I explained he would be in the hospital until at least Friday. His response to THAT news: "WHAT?! What the heck do you mean?! Do you know how long that is?! Thats...like a WEEK!!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO STAY HERE A WEEK?!?!?!" The outrage in his drugged state was soooo funny---so misplaced, and so HIM! :)

The next few days were just go go go. Kids to school in the morning, up to the hospital for the day with the littlest ones, back home to get oldest three off the bus, back to the hospital to spend the evening with Daddy. We knew prelim results were due Wednesday. I was late getting there that morning because Nichole, Payten, and Isaac all had doctor appointments.

I got there around 11:30 and Dr. Mitchell had already briefly stopped in. I didn't know that when I arrived, or that he had already alluded to bad news. When he came in after I arrived he sat down and just started talking. About the tumor, where it was located, where it might have originated, all these medical names I couldn't follow. The first word that really registered with me was chemotherapy. I stopped him and asked "So your saying he has cancer?" Dr. Mitchell said "Yes, the tumor is malignant."

I looked over at Ryan and he looked so calm...I reached out for his hand and I tried to stay just as calm because I needed to give him that. Time to process this horrible information for himself without worrying about anyone else's reaction. Uncle Mike was there at the time and began asking questions, and I just don't remember anything else. Isaac had gone into the bathroom, and my phone rang as the doctor was standing to leave. I grabbed it out of my purse and walked out into the hall and it was Ryan's sister. I don't remember what we said-I know I told her it was cancer and I couldn't talk.

I was leaning against the wall around the corner from Ryan's room, and Dr. Mitchell walked past and I said "Thank you." Always polite... and he just gave me this look and sort of nodded and kept walking and my brain just stuck on his odd reaction. Then I thought "well sure....I just thanked him for telling me my husband has cancer...of course that's odd"...and then it just hit me. Physically, as though someone punched me so hard in the chest that it just exploded. I tried 4 times to dial Heather, my deeply dear friend, one of my life lines right now... I tried to tell her everything the doctor had just said and I couldn't breath because I was talking so fast trying to get it all out. Really, I couldn't breath because there was a hole where my chest used to be.  I found a chapel. Who knew, a chapel right there just around the corner! I didn't pray...I didn't know what to say...I couldn't think. I just cried until I thought I might vomit all over the floor.

Crazy enough, that was what finally helped me get a grip on myself: the fear that I would throw up all over the carpet in front of the kneeling alter. There were no tissues anywhere in that room. How do you NOT have tissues in a place like that?! I left the chapel and went to the bathroom and wiped my face with the horribly rough paper towels they have...I updated my fb status on the way back to Ryan's room. That's what we do, right? Life event--update! In truth I knew I had too many people to share this result report with and I couldn't speak.

I walked back into Ryan's room and tried to lock the hysteria away. Turned on a cartoon for Isaac and tucked him in on the couch for his nap. Climbed carefully up into bed with Ryan and tried to hold him. He held me instead. That's just who he is, what he does...how he loves.